Believe me, as twins, the first basic skill you learn is to “count out”.
For example, whoever got the cake had more chocolate chips—even though none of us were starving.
You know what I mean: living a “comparative” childhood with unimaginable intensity, intermittently suspecting that life is just a controlled experiment that controls genetic variables.
I later read and found that favoritism is widespread, although parents may be reluctant to admit it.
The first ‘parental differential treatment’ study in Asia shows that eccentricity occurs in up to 65% of households (Catalin et al., 2020 ).
When parents treat their children differently and favor one or the other, may lead to depression (Boyle et al., 2004), both in favored and out of favor children. It is so.
Children left out
The first episode of the Korean drama “Reply 1988” successfully made countless people cry, because it deeply portrayed “The grievance of not being favored”< /strong>.
Girl De Shan grew up in a multi-sibling family.
Her birthday is just a few days away from her sister’s birthday. On her sister’s birthday, parents always “pull out the three candles on the cake and pass her with her.” It seems that Deshan Not so important.
“Please Answer 1988”
Because my elder sister was preparing for an important exam and her younger brother was younger than her, when the family ate whole fried chicken takeaway together, “Dad always asked Deshan to give the two drumsticks to his elder sister and younger brother”.
Under the dazzling candlelight, Deshan was overwhelmed with grievances: Why did he only buy “World Cup” ice cream for his sister’s birthday and only his brother? Also, I want to eat chicken thighs too!
Mom is looking for a supplement: I’ll buy you beans to eat, don’t you like beans?
Deshan: No, I don’t need to eat it.
De Shan
For Deshan, where is the question of beans and drumsticks, it is clearly a question of “who do my parents like more”.
Studies show that children left out:
May grow up with chronic low self-esteem, thinking of themselves as “less important”;
Insecure, not believing that one is worthy of love;
Develop strong defense mechanisms to protect yourself from being “disappointed by not being chosen by important people”;
May lead to a very independent outlook on life, thinking that one does not need parents (or any close relationship);
Lower trust in interpersonal relationships (Rauer et al., 2007).
However, because these children were “undervalued”, some skills were developed instead:
As children, they are more likely to develop more self-care skills (as opposed to caring for others);
Better able to notice clues about “what behaviors are unacceptable” in the external world, helping to quickly adapt to unfamiliar environments;
More room to personalize, create and achieve your goals and dreams.
Favored Child
Then, the child who is spoiled must be fearless?
The movieThe Sunshine is a different story.
“Sunshine”
Ordinary family of four with two sons. The youngest son, Ah He (far left in the picture), was inexperienced and was admitted to a juvenile nursery school because of the hack.
Father Arvin does not admit that he has such a child. Someone asked “how many children do you have”? Father never only answered: one.
That’s the eldest son, Ah Hao.
He is smart, responsible, friendly, and has excellent grades. His father pinned all his hopes on him, telling those around him that he would go to medical school.
Ahao
But this is how Ah Hao, on a quiet night, took a shower, tidy up the room, and jumped out of the window.
Before committing suicide, Ah Hao sent a text message to the classmates in the cram school:
“We went to the zoo a few days ago. The sun was very strong that day, and all the animals couldn’t stand it. They all managed to find a shade to hide from. Fortunately wrestling Ao Shaoyuan Yan Yan 5 Qiao Yifan counsels the trouble of the emperor’s emperor Qinyu┒cadmium Qiaoyi Hui School Hui Xing Zhu Hui Xie Dang Γ Hui wake up 24 hours uninterrupted, bright and warm, the sun shines.”
Now, Arvin really only has one son.
It presents the price of being a darling in an extreme way: always in the spotlight, with the expectation of an “ideal role”.
While pampered children often develop a sense of uniqueness, being favored has its dark side. It can lead to:
Children are under great pressure to maintain a favored status and fear losing it (Sharpe et al., 1994);
Enhancing sibling rivalry, because being pampered means being rejected by other children. May also feel guilty about siblings “because they were treated favorably”;
The parent who tends to manipulate the more powerful parent;
Fear of knowing yourself. Because they often hide from themselves and others what their parents used to dislike about them;
Lack of experience needed to establish their own identity. When they are selected for “filling a void in their parents’ lives and psyche”, the darling’s identity is often blended with the parent’s identity;
Is not aware of the impact of my actions on others. In favored environments, they always feel “entitled” to what they want;
The Life of the Disgusted Matsuko
The benefits of being preferred may be more obvious:
Favored children have a strong sense of self-efficacy and are good at achieving goals, an ability that often drives them to good positions in their careers;
They are confident, determined and tenacious, always believing they are worthy of “what I want”;
May be good at socializing. They have mastered the art of ingratiation and know how to win the trust of others, because they have mastered the art of getting along with their parents since childhood;
May be optimistic. They are not easily intimidated by challenges, but are driven to success by a sense of achievement.
In short, being favored and disfavored by parents has its psychological cost.
Favored children (grandfather and guilt) and disfavored children’s intrinsic motivation (jealousy, competition, guilt, inferiority complex, and compensatory grandiosity) may manifest as pathological symptoms (Yahav, 2007) .
In one survey, sociology professor Jill Suite even found that “Pampered children show more depressive symptoms as adults”, possibly because Sibling tension, or increased emotional responsibility for parental care.
The question is: Why are parents partial?
Eccentricity may be an expression of true emotion, reflecting a preference deeply rooted in a parent’s heart
Clinical psychologist Ellen Weber Libby argues that “parental bias, whether consciousor unintentional manipulation — it could be used to elicit desired behaviors from these children.”
These actions are not necessarily material, but may also be “emotional rewards.”
As a mother named Susan described her bias:
I am a little more special about my older son. Because my mom was so proud when I gave birth to him, it was “the first and last time she complimented me”. Whenever I see this child, I am reminded of the affirmation my mother gave me.
Ellen Weber Libby
The partiality stems in part from the parent’s past experiences. For example:
A child with similar hobbies to their parents reminds them of a favorite grandparent;
Characteristics in a child awaken their traumatic experience. At this point, the child may act as a kind of “mirror,” revealing the parent’s anger, avoidance, and disapproval of this trait.
Eccentricity, linked to parental “emotional maturity”
Clinical Psychology Ph.D., Lindsay C. Gibson believes that if eccentricity is too obvious and pathological, it is not a sign of closeness, but of “entanglement.” This is likely because the favored sibling is of similar psychological maturity to your parents (Bowen, 1978).
When parents are emotionally immature, relationships tend to be based on “role” rather than “each person’s uniqueness.” For example, if you are independent and sensible, “like a little adult”, your parents will feel that you have no needs, so you don’t have to play the role of a parent.
But it’s not because you “don’t deserve to be loved,” it may be because you haven’t shown enough dependence to trigger your parent’s entanglement instinct.
Which child is easily biased is also related to “birth order”
Many studies of differential treatment show that family size, birth order, and gender are associated with partiality. For example:
Parents have higher expectations for the first child than for the second. It is more likely to favor the youngest child and ignore the middle child;
In patriarchal cultures, sons tend to be favored; mothers tend to prefer daughters when they are seen as a source of emotional and instrumental support;
Favoritism is more likely to occur in single-parent and extended families than in ordinary families (Jenkins et al., 2003).
Also, eccentricity may also change over time. Parents may prefer children at certain stages, such as infants or teens.
“Eccentricity” is not necessarily true, but “perceived”
The worst outcome is probably that every child in the family “feels that their parents are partial”.
Actually, perceived eccentricity is also related to the child’s own personality (neuroticism, agreeableness, openness) (Vander et al., 1996).
For example, people with more neuroticism are more sensitive to partiality; children with lower self-esteem are more often compared to siblings; Children with low self-worth are more susceptible because individuals tend to process emotional information in ways that are consistent with their pre-existing beliefs (Rusting, 1998).
This makes them more likely to use “biased behaviors” to infer their parents’ evaluations and may internalize these evaluations, leading to more anxiety, Depressive symptoms and problem behaviors, such as smoking, alcoholism, and truancy (Loeser et al., 2016).
For these children, “eccentricity” is a trigger that can amplify or perpetuate existing anxiety or depression, affecting psychological well-being.
Since parents cannot avoid partiality,
What should I do then?
Normalizes ‘Golden Boy Syndrome’ and admits ‘everyone is biased’
“Favorite child syndrome” is a concept introduced by Libby in “Favorite Child”.
She believes that, to some degree, favor is present in every family. As a parent, first allow yourself to eliminate the shame associated with favoritism.
And, don’t let children live in secrecy and deception caused by partiality, create a family atmosphere where open discussions can be made – because children can perceive “who is more liked by adults” from a very early age “. When emotions are hidden from being expressed, they become destructive.
Let the eccentricity have “fluidity”
Libby believes that there are two types of eccentricity, rigid favoritism and fluid favoritism.
The harm of rigidity is that:
Parents and partiality towards a child are “rigid,” “persistent,” or simply designed to boost parents’ self-esteem and satisfy their own ego. This rigidity is based on ‘roles’, and so often harms the health of specific children as well as other family members.
However, when there is “fluidity” of “eccentricity”, ie: each child is preferred at different times and for different reasons (When this preference represents a perception of the child’s “uniqueness”) — the preference is healthier for all family members.
Eccentricity with fluidity gives every child the opportunity to be “preferred” and “ignored.” Fairness, not “absolute fairness,” is what drives healthy parenting.
Being off-centre or not being off-centre doesn’t necessarily lead to bad results
Although the article talks about the negative effects of partiality, “differential treatment” does not necessarily lead to children’s adjustment problems.
The study also found that eccentric behavior was more harmful in settings where family ties were more distant. In one study, lead researcher Alex Jensen of Brigham Young University interviewed 282 families and found that “favor” didn’t even have a significant effect in close families.
Furthermore, when favoritism is more legitimate (such as a child with poorer health), sibling relationships are better—and the harm of favoritism decreases.
The Life of the Disgusted Matsuko
Although no matter how old we are, we can always “feel vulnerable” to our parents’ evaluations.
But I hope you know that a parent’s choice of a “favorite” is usually related to their own (conscious or unconscious) needs, not to whether the child is “more expected/liked” .
I wish you real and just the right kind of love.
References
Ellen Weber Libby, The Favorite Child: How a Favorite Impacts Every Family Member for Life
Shebloski, B., Conger, KJ, & Widaman, KF (2005). Reciprocal links among differential parenting, perceived partiality, and self-worth: a three-wave longitudinal study. Journal of Family Psychology, 19(4), 633C642. DOI: 10.1037/0893-3200.19.4.633
Makkink ID et al., The relation between the absolute level of parenting and differential parental treatment with adolescent siblings’ adjustment. J Child Psychol Psychiatry. 2004 Nov;45(8):1397-406 . DOI: 10.1111/j.1469-7610.2004.00846.x
MK et al., Longitudinal associations between sibling relationship quality, parental differential treatment, and children’s adjustment. J Fam Psychol. 2005 Dec;19(4):550-9. DOI: 10.1037/ 0893-3200.19.4.550
Catalina et al., The Impact of Differential Parenting: Study Protocol on a Longitudinal Study Investigating Child and Parent Factors on Children’s Psychosocial Health in Hong Kong. Front. Psychol., 28 July 2020, DOI : 10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01656
[US] Lindsay Gibson, “Immature Parents”, June 2017, Mechanical Industry Press
Author: Jianghubian
Editor in charge: Kuma
Cover: “The Sunshine”