Today, let’s talk about the most annoying thing in love: quarrel
If you want to love well, you must first learn to fight well
This is not what Dian said, but Mr. Wu Zhihong, a senior psychological counselor and a well-known writer
Why does Mr. Wu say this
Dian invited him today
Teach you to learn “how to fight well” in an intimate relationship
Love starts with the truth.
Real, not just showing yourself,
Learn the bad parts too.
A relationship that never quarrels is not necessarily a happy one.
Only expressing the good side in an intimate relationship is prone to such problems:
1. This may be a deliberate attempt to please;
2. This may be a false emotion;
Giving the other person unreal feelings, no matter how well you do, it is difficult to get the feeling of love.
British psychologist Bion said:
In a relationship, don’t stay in narcissism, it’s important to build links with each other:
A link to love, a link to dissatisfaction, a link to understand.
The biggest difference between intimacy and other relationships is that it accommodates feelings of dissatisfaction.
So, when you feel dissatisfaction, be sure to express it instead of suppressing it, it will even wipe out your precious motivation, create inner conflict, and ultimately lead to the relationship pay the price.
The intimacy we encourage requires quarrels to maintain to some extent, because quarrels can enhance mutual understanding.
However, it’s important to learn to “have a good fight” and let it become a light of intimacy.
First, clarify the nature of the quarrel:
Arguing is not the worst, conflict is also a form of communication. Quarrel is much better than cold war and silent enduring.
Silence is the best breeding ground for separation, and it is the culprit that kills feelings.
The way adults end a relationship is often not an argument and a breakdown, but a silent alienation. He is also willing to spend time and energy arguing with the other party, showing that he still cares. If you don’t care about me and I don’t care about you, then there is absolutely no need to quarrel, each other has been disheartened, and love and marriage will only exist in name only.
Second, the process of quarrel is aggressive, learn not to turn to old accounts.
Every time you quarrel, you have to turn over the old accounts and hurt each other with the most ruthless words. This is a vicious quarrel. In fact, the vicious quarrel is in the relationship, your narcissism is damaged. If you can’t reverse this trend at all, consider ending the relationship.
Third, how to have a good fight?
1. When you’re feeling bad, remember this expression: “When you…, I feel… because…”Help Instead of getting bogged down in pointless arguments and constantly attacking each other, you say what you want to express.
2. List on paper the things that often annoy you with your partner, then go through each question one by one and ask yourself:
Why do these questions piss you off?
What memories does TA’s practice evoke in you?
Do your parents blame you if you do this?
What are your parents constantly bothered about?
Recall relevant memories from your childhood.
Fourth, what I want to share with you is:
Don’t be afraid to quarrel, and don’t be afraid to quarrel in front of your children, you’ve learned to fight in a healthy way, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing for them to face intimacy in the future.
A good quarrel is: I have put the other party in my heart, at least I tried to put her in my heart, I quarreled to maintain this relationship and hope that our relationship will become better Well, the relationship between two people who quarrel like this will develop in a good direction.
Jin Chengwu said in “Chongqing Forest”:
I don’t know when it started, there is a day on everything, saury will expire, canned meat will expire, even plastic wrap will expire, I began to doubt, in this world On, what else doesn’t expire?
Probably not.
Every relationship in the world, like food, has a production date and a spoilage date.
Image source: Zhanku Hailuo
If you’re not sure about the relationship, you can have a few fights to see what’s going on between the two of you.
When encountering a benign quarrel, every time you trust each other, it will become a memory, which is equivalent to refilling your heartbeat, and the shelf life will continue to be postponed until it is too old to quarrel. They are still holding each other’s hands.
If there is a vicious quarrel, it will be completely spoiled.
When you get love, you are happy for its freshness, and when you lose it, you are also calm for how good it was.
PS. Brother Dian doesn’t even have anyone to quarrel with, I’m very jealous of you today~
Tell me, how did you all quarrel with TA?
Expert guidance: Wu Zhihong, senior psychological consultant, author, founder of Jianxin Psychology, author of more than 10 best-selling books such as “Why Home Hurts”.
References
[1]”The 7 Exercise Journey of a Happy Relationship” by [English] Andrew G. Marshall